http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org Declaring Truth as With the Voice of a Trump Tue, 14 Aug 2007 05:46:31 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en When my fellow bloggers here all wrote a final post as the Banner finished last year I didnt particapate. It felt too much like a high school graduation or something I guess. Or maybe I should say COMENCMENT. To prove I too can use big words just like, the rest of you all with your big fat advanced degrees. The thing is I didnt want a comencment. No. What I wanted was a new begining. You see I had more to say. And one final post was not enough. And as the Banner finished I decided to try a blog of my own. To telling all that needs to be said. But it took awhile to get set up and I never quite finished. But now a year later Jenn is trying to rally us to do annaversery posts. With not complet sucess yet as you can see, Septimus of course is not that excited. But I recognized it was a good oportunity to get my blog up and anounced. So here it is: Obey Aaron . And dont forget to look at my profile. I dont know how often I will post there. As the spirit listeth and as seemeth me good I guess. But whenever I do post you can bet it will be important. As it always has been, in the past. http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/163 I’ll give you five seconds to guess where I’m posting from. Onetwothreefourfive. Time’s up, suckah. I’m posting from my friendly neighborhood Family History center. Right now an old man with a comb-over is giving me the evil eye because “Internet resources are reserved for the purpose of researching family history leads” (that’s what he told me three minutes ago when I was checking out the “microfiber vs. leather” controversy over at espn.com. Like he doesn’t do the same thing when no one’s watching). I know you’re thinking, “Wait a minute, didn’t you break up with your Mormon girlfriend and aren’t you living with your grandma in Pennsylvania?” She broke up with me, but other than that, yeah. My friendly neighborhood Family History center is at the Lancaster 1st ward, and my grandma is their newest family history specialist. My grandma was baptized two months ago. I can’t get away from Mormons. Here’s how it went down. Last November my grandma had a stroke and my parents wanted me to go out and help take care of her and my grandpa. I had just bombed the GRE and gotten dumped, so it seemed like a good time to go. My mom drove across the country with me and all my earthly possessions in my 1993 Ford Taurus (with a $1500 rebuilt engine). We listened to The DaVinci Code on CD (Mom’s choice) and I barely kept myself from puking about every 7 minutes from Colorado to Illinois. We got to Pennsylvania by December 10th and Mom stayed until December 27th, getting everything set up and giving me an envelope with $300 in it before she left. That was nice of her. Anyways, things went swimmingly with Grandma and Grandpa for the first couple of months. It took a little while to figure out how to put the right number of pills for the right days in about five different pill-boxes. I didn’t make any mistakes because I was scared shitless of sending one of them into cardiac arrest, but it did take me a while to get the hang of ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/164 You know the saying, “be careful what you wish for?” Well, I’m here to testify that it’s true! Guys, Brian (the “Shelver”) was a weird boyfriend, but as a fiance he is beginning to really worry me. In many ways, the past year has gone by as if it were a dream! Brian and I have been engaged — really engaged, thank you very much — for three months now, and it’s been pretty great. You may remember my previous confusion over whether Brian had proposed or not…. well, he hadn’t. I didn’t know for sure one way or another for weeks until one day we were watching Law and Order, and it was a rerun with Angie Harmon, and I talked about how she got married to that football player, and then there was a commercial for the Jewelry Exchange in Paramus, and I said we should go out there and look. And Brian gave me this look, like, “what planet are YOU from??” and my faux-engagement just kind of shriveled up right then and there. So, we weren’t engaged, but we did date pretty steadily for about eight months, and then one day he proposed! It was pretty romantic, even for a New York proposal. It wasn’t at the top of the Empire State Building or anything, but it was in the jazz hall of the new mall at the bottom of the new Time Warner building, and you could look out at Columbus Circle and everything. I wasn’t really expecting it, and he didn’t have a ring at the time, but we were sitting there waiting for Branford Marsalis and Brian got this funny look on his face, and then just blurted, “Iloveyoudoyouwantto marryme!” I laughed, and of course said yes. A July proposal! I couldn’t wait to tell my parents and of course my old roommate Melanie, who is now in the Union Square ward with her husband (and I think she’s pregnant, but she hasn’t told anyone yet). So all was a bowl of ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/165 I had a very vivid dream the other night. I don’t know if it was revelation, but it comforted me a great deal. In my dream, everything was normal. I was myself, just as I am, not as a child who forgot to wear pants to school or back in high school forgetting my locker combination, and I was lying in bed, wide awake, something that happens to me all too often. Scott was in bed next to me, snoring a bit, as usual. No movie stars or repentent ex-boyfriends in this dream. I went to push him onto his side to stop the snoring as I usually do (I always worry since I’ve read snoring is associated with heart attacks), but suddenly I thought, no, let him rest how he likes. I got out of bed and quietly crept into the kitchen, where my mom’s wedding cake rested in pieces in the freezer, just as I had really left it before going to bed. I considered working on it. Wouldn’t it be great to get it done early? Mom would be so surprised and impressed by my hard work. If I had really been awake, and not dreaming, I probably would have, so that at least my sleepnessness could be put to good use. But I was dreaming, so I didn’t. As I’ve said, everything was normal, and yet all of these everyday actions seemed imbued with meaning and purpose. I decided making a cake was a good enough task by itself, no need to try to impress anyone. So instead of busying myself in righteous service, I sat down on the sofa, put my feet up, and looked around. I know everyone is tired of hearing about my neighbor’s undeliverable mail, but it was my dream, so bear with me. The package sat on the side table where I’d left it after my last frustrating attempt to return it (I actually went to the dealership where he worked, but as it turns out, ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/159 Julia broke up with me. She dropped the “I’ve been wanting to tell you” line last night when she came over for pie with the folks. I don’t blame her. She left her family party bursting with 63 relatives playing 12 simultaneous games of Killer Uno and stuffing themselves comatose with 17 different kinds of pie to come over to an empty, coldish house where my mom served freaking sweet potato pie on antique china plates, which she then proceeded to tell Julia about for 45 minutes, culminating in how her great-great-great-great-grand-uncle fought with Washington and that’s how she got to be the president of the local chapter of the DAR. My dad just ate his pie and went back to his computer, taking the Maltese dogs with him, which had been the best company in the room. Not exactly the picture of domestic bliss. On top of that, I dropped out of her life for about a month while I was studying for the GRE. If I’d known I’d still get a crappy score, I may have made different decisions. I definitely would have made different decisions if I’d realized that the “elder” that was getting home right at the same time was her old high school boyfriend. I didn’t know girls “had” elders. I just assumed she was talking about… hell, I didn’t know what she was talking about. I was too busy relearning trigonometry to ask. I met “Elder Fairbanks” for the first time the day after I took the GRE. Julia gave him a ride to church. Man, you just can’t compete with dudes right off the mission. After they’ve been home a while and they’re like Abe and they swear and fart in public and date six girls at once and play X-box until 3 a.m., maybe then. But it’s just cruel to put a non-Mormon, 80th percentile, lapsed Quaker sucker against someone who has single-handedly saved the world by the age of 21. She didn’t say anything about him last night when we were talking, but she said she had to “stop by” the ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/158 And I started thinking horrible things, Sister Tidwell. Very bad things. At night I started thinking I saw light coming from Dale’s house. Not a lot of light, but shades of light, or sometimes I saw pinpoints. I knew it was empty so I figured it was nothing, but sometimes I’d hear noises coming from over there too—faint noises, kinda like whispers, sometimes creaks. I started thinking about when Dale told me about his wife dying of cancer in that house, about her crying from the pain in the room down the hall. I wondered what the old man meant when he told me he had helped her pass on. I’d spend nights not sleeping, wanting to look over in the direction of Dale’s house, but afraid to, and every time I did look I saw some form of light coming from over there. I thought it would explain why his son hated Dale so much, if maybe he suspected something, if he thought his father put his mother out of her misery like she was a barnyard animal. I thought I heard a word one night. “Hurt.” It freaked me out so much that I had to do something. I had to get off my couch, go to the window, and pull up the blinds to take a look. I swear to you Sister Tidwell, I looked over there and a light was on in a room down the hall. I saw it. I was terrified, not of the light so much, but that I knew I was losing my mind again. I read the Book of Mormon, thinking I don’t know what, that it might protect me or something. I almost finished it by the time the morning came. I stopped when I came to Moroni 8:16 where it says “perfect love casteth out all fear.” I was starving and looked around the couch to see what food was left. All I had was the kool-aid packets. So I started to eat them by dipping my ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/157 Be sure and catch the article in the Salt Lake Tribune’s Faith section by Peggy Fletcher Stack. And for those of you coming from the article, we’d like to offer you a friendly welcome. http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/156 His house was really quiet and I knocked on the door a couple times and there was no answer. I finally went in and there were some beer bottles rolling around on the floor. Not too unusual, really, but I went in the living room and Dale was sitting totally still with his eyes shut in his easy chair. He had the bible I got for him on his knee and between his fingers was a cigarette burned down to the filter. He looked peaceful sitting there with the morning light coming in the window and I didn’t want to disturb him, but for some reason I started to freak out. I felt sure he was dead because let’s face it he’s old, so I shouted his name. He didn’t move so I shouted it louder. He screamed and jumped out of his chair and started doing martial art moves, some sort of Redneck Fu, or something like that. It startled me and I screamed back. It was all very disturbing. I thought he might over exert himself and really have a heart attack, so I got him to sit back down. I told him about the baptism and he listened to me, but he’s not Mormon and I’m not sure how much he understood really. After I was done though, he grunted and said, “Your heart’s in the right place.” Then there was like a five minute pause and Dale told me he was moving. He’d been getting back in touch with his son and his son wanted Dale to go live with him. Dale doesn’t even like his son. He told me so. I thought he loved his crappy little farm too much to leave it. His wife died there. His cow’s buried in the backyard. I can’t explain it to you, but it bothered me. It upset me. You’re probably like why are you talking about your neighbor so much. He was the only friend I had the whole time I’ve ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/155 Dear Sister Tidwell, If you’re even just reading this sentence I am so lucky. Please don’t stop reading. Please, please, please just give me a chance to explain. Let me at least ask for your forgiveness. You don’t have to give it. Ever since my baptismal service I’ve wanted to talk to you, but you went home just a few days later, and I was so ashamed I couldn’t even get off my couch. Sister Harris brought by the note you wrote me before you left and you’re pretty polite about it, but I can tell you hated me when you wrote it and for all I know right now you want to wad this letter up into a ball and toss it in a trash can, and if you do I totally understand why, but please don’t, Sister Tidwell, please, I’ve read that note so many times that I have it memorized and you should know everything you say in it is absolutely true. I am a liar. In fact, I told lies you don’t even know about. I did waste your time and I am a hypocrite. I had no right to make you feel guilty about emotionally manipulating me toward baptism when I was already a member, and I felt guilty about all those things, Sister Tidwell, I really do, but I why I can’t go on living with myself is that part of your note where you say what I did has tainted your memories of your mission forever. I was half the missionary you were Sister Tidwell and the mediocre memories of my mission have pulled me through some rough times, so I probably can’t, but I have to try to make those missionaries precious to you again by giving you more information. There were things about me that you never knew, Sister Tidwell and not just that I was a member of the church and a return missionary. I was married before and I have a daughter and I had it all built up in ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/154 We’re moving! We just returned from a trip to Washington, D.C. where Eric had some job interviews. He’s got a job at an environmental policy think tank there. It doesn’t pay a lot, but they have a program to pay for law school tuition once he gets accepted. With my parents in town to take care of the kids, it may even be economical for me to get a job to help the family income. It’s almost too good to be true. Northern Virginia just feels like home, and it’s going to be the perfect place for us to make a new start. We found the apartment that we’re going to be living in. The funny thing is that we’ll have a neighbor named Dale. He stopped by to welcome us. He’s just the nicest man. He overheard us talking about running some errands, and he actually offered to let us borrow his car. No lie! (One more thing we have in common, Septimus, but there’s no way I’m wearing his clothes to church.) Eric politely declined, but thanked him profusely. On the way back to my parents’, I told him about Septimus’s Dale stories, and we laughed like newlyweds. We sat in the car talking until well after the sun set. Once he’d heard the stories about Septimus and his neighbor, Eric wanted to know every detail about Banner of Heaven–his sister Mari’s package, Jenn’s awkward moments with roaming hands, Greg’s finding of companionship among Mormons, Aaron’s doctrinal contentions, Septimus and his adoring Sister missionaries (Septimus deserves to be adored, doesn’t he?). We joked about my angry outburst and my dumb movie reviews. He bristled just a bit when I told him some of the things I’d said–enough to sympathize more than a little with DKL. We went inside, and I finally showed him Banner of Heaven. His first reaction was that he loved the way it looks. He woke up early the next morning and started reading every post and every comment. When I awoke and found him sitting in front of the computer, he was laughing out loud at ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/151 More to come…including the rest of the story. http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/153 I’m embarrassed to admit that we have mislead you. We promised answers to 13 questions, because 13 was such a spooky number, but our panelists were kind enough to answer 17, and they’re all just too good to drop. It is with heartfelt appreciation that I (and Mari and Aaron and Greg and Septimus and Jenn) present 17 wonderful answers from Matt Bowman, Alan Morrell, and Mike Van Wagenen on Mormon tricks, pranks, hoaxes, unexplained occurrences, and legends. Matt Bowman’s Answers Q 1: I figure the storytellers like Abe Mansfield set the stage for Bigfoot, but if you have something more substantial to say about it I would be interested. And why did Bigfoot take off more than, say, the Lemurians? Have any of you talked with Jeff Meldrum about his work? A 1: About Bigfoot, in general, to set the stage for some other answers. In 1832 in Tennessee, the apostle David Patten claimed to have met with Cain, who was tall—according to him, about Patten’s height while Patten sat on a horse—dark, and hairy. I’ve found evidence that this story was fairly well circulated in nineteenth century Mormonism—Eliza Snow referred to it in a poem she read at one of Lorenzo’s birthday parties, and journals document that the Quorum of the Twelve talked about it formally. In the twentieth century, there’s evidence to suggest that both Spencer Kimball and Joseph F. Smith propagated the story. Particularly, Kimball recounts in in Miracle of Forgiveness (page 127, if you all want to pull your copy of the shelf). About twelve years after Miracle was published, there was a rash of Bigfoot sightings in Utah, following a national craze. I think that Cain gradually became Bigfoot for a variety of reasons—briefly, reflecting Mormonism’s assimilation into American culture, and the increasing marginalization of the negative association with Cain’s presumed dark skin with African Americans. Q 2: If one did want to run into Big Foot or a Lemurian where would the best place to do it? What would be the best situation to do so? A 2: Well, my paper provides evidence that Joseph Fielding Smith believed ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/152 I’m Naomi Frandsen, and I created the character of Greg Fox. I want to apologize for being stupid enough not to see the stupid parts of what we did, for being insensitive enough not to understand how people would really feel when they found out what was going on, and for being presumptuous enough to think that an explanation is the same thing as an apology. I think I am starting to see that one of the things that continues to cause the most hurt and anger is the fact that we didn’t see from the beginning and we’ve continued not to see that what we did was wrong. Yesterday, APJ wrote, “Try dealing with the fact that this blog struck a lot of people as a bad idea, instead of justifying it by explaining yourself as innocent as possible in hindsight.” I think that has been one of the hardest things for me over the past few days—letting go of my protestations about being misunderstood and realizing that I’ve been deceiving myself. I don’t exactly know how this self-deception, which has had such seismic consequences, first began or how it managed to color the way I thought about what we were doing. I suspect that my self-deception was fed by a certain giddy delight in attention and, to a certain extent, acceptance and power. I also really liked the camaraderie of my fellow Gadianton robbers, who have been friends through several major junctures in my life over the past six months. In any event, I managed not to see the wrong in what we were doing for a very long time, and I feel sick as I come to realize that I have misled and mistreated a lot of very good people. This brings me to another apology: that it took a debacle like this to extract an apology in the first place. I have been compelled to be humble, so to speak, not because of my innate sense of right and wrong, but because suddenly everyone was mad at me. I know that casts doubt on the apologies you’ve ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/150 To quote Amulek, “I am a man of no small reputation—among all those who know me” (punctuation modified). As I am relatively unknown, I now offer my full name, for you to speak good or evil of as you see fit: Christian Young Cardall. How did I keep Aaron’s true identity hidden for so long? As Joseph is quoted in the Truman Madsen tapes, “I can keep a secret.” Alas, it is a boast that rarely can be sustained. You may think no man knows your history, but the fact is that men come to know your history after all. Fittingly, in this case, Aaron was unmasked by the AKA plugin, briefly turned on for public view, at the Banner itself—the one place I was not careful. Rusty, give the man a T-shirt. (The AKA tool is not a perfect tool, as noted, but in this instance it is accurate. As the only unknown I was going to post last, but now I see no reason for delay.) Of course, the irony of Aaron being the only one not unmasked until the last moment is that Aaron was the most unmasked of all. Judging from the responses he was getting in comments, he was unbelievable to virtually everyone, at least eventually. Maybe this means I have less to apologize for to the readers—maybe not, I invite your judgments if you wish to render them—but it also means I have more to apologize for to my co-bloggers. As previously mentioned, this project was conceived as an attempt to develop interesting characters with interesting stories, and not be (at least primarily) about parody or satire. (As Rosalynde testified based on her participation in early planning discussions, I also bear a second witness that it was never about being intentionally mean-spirited. The unlooked-for quandary of eliciting “heartfelt confessions and sympathy from the readers”—as one reader judged our intentions—was regrettably not on our collective radar screen, and certainly not part of our intent.) But in spite of our stated goals, my weakness and utter inexperience as a narrative writer left open to me only the ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/149 I recognize that I harmed this community and I want to take responsibility for that and apologize to it collectively. It’s a resilient place that I’m sure can withstand the harm that I’ve caused and heal itself and move on, but it’s resiliency isn’t in any way an excuse for what I’ve done, which has been a huge error in judgment on my part and was wrong. They say you hurt the ones you love and I think it’s true. When I stumbled across the bloggernaccle, as we call it, about a year a go I fell in love with it and I wanted to contribute to it and be a bigger part of it. I imagine a lot of people have felt that way when they first discovered it and that’s why it’s a place that has grown. I think for people that are lawyers, economists, literary critics, and other intellectuals it’s a place that is easier to contribute to than for people like me. I’m a hack writer. Kaimi knows I work in reality TV and compared this blog to the worst shows that genre has to offer. I don’t really think that’s a fair comparison, but I can see why he feels that way. Many of us enjoy blogging to escape the unsatisfying drudgery of our daily work and to momentarily be a version of what we really want to be, but aren’t, or aspire to be, but haven’t achieved yet. Lawyers stop reviewing documents to share dazzling and insightful arguments. Professors stop grading papers to share the answer to a big question they’ve discovered. Stay-at-home moms put the kids down to nap and go tackle a thorny doctrinal issue. I’m a storyteller. I wanted to do the same sort of thing, escape the world I work in which I don’t always care for, and tell a good story, one about the culture I know and love, one about redemption. I wanted to show what I can do and tell a story like I never ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/147 My name is David King Landrith. I pretend to be Miranda Park Jones, and she is not real. Unlike my co-bloggers, I offer no general apology. After all, I have historically been among the most reviled participants in the Bloggernacle. Why stop now? And I’m not generally sorry for what this blog accomplished. On the contrary, I’m very proud to have participated in this blog. Most of the comments condemning Banner of Heaven ignore the fact that it has been a tremendous success. And the reason for this success is that Banner of Heaven has the best commenters in the bloggernacle–they deserve a hell of a lot of credit. From the deepest depths of my heart, I want to say: Thank you. It pains me to think that you might be hurt. You will never be laughed at or mocked, and you shouldn’t feel kicked around. You should feel immensely proud. You are the best and the brightest in the bloggernacle, and I have the utmost respect for you. Look at the difference between the discussion at Nine Moons, which was heavily weighted with regular Banner contributors, and the discussion on the other blog, which was not. The Nine Moons discussions were funny and they even gave away prizes. The discussion on the other is dominated by a lot of moralizing and condemnation. That’s the difference between Banner of Heaven commenters and the folks that hang out over there. That’s why I was not banned here, but I was banned there (and we’d have banned me, too, if the public sentiment had supported it). I wouldn’t trade you for the world. Personally, I put a lot of time into writing posts and making comments as Miranda Park Jones, and I wrote them for you, the readers. I sincerely hope that you enjoyed them. I made sure that the blog had all of the polish of a professionally developed web site. All this, when I stood to gain nothing from it materially. In doing so, I provided a forum for public discussion wherein people participated in good faith, and this forum was provided ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/146 Like most of us here, I’ve been outed several times over by now, both in a mostly humorous thread at Nine Moons and in a more serious one at Times and Seasons. Let me just say here that when we started this project, there was a timetable we were following, and planned to out ourselves at the end, along with an explanation of what on earth we were trying to accomplish. Since that’s no longer an option, I’ll add my explanation/apology to Steve/Jenn’s now. First, let me say that although I can’t speak for everyone here, I don’t believe any of us ever considered this blog as a joke or a parody. At no time did I get the impression that any of the Banner bloggers were snickering at people for believing in us. All the same, I did worry a little about this angle going into the project. I probably should have paid more attention to these misgivings. In my defense, soon after we started, we began getting comments pointing to our fictionality, and as time went on, the general consensus from these commenters seemed to be that it didn’t matter, they were still enjoying the ride (which was one of the explicit goals from the beginning: good stories, not realism or convincing fakery). I was very surprised to find that this wasn’t the case for some or most of you. I realize now I was wrong, and I really am sorry about that. I was and still am excited to write alongside my fellow fake bloggers, however. As a collaborative creative writing exercise goes, there couldn’t be a better group to work with, and they’ve been supportive and helpful behind the scenes. I’m not too proud to say I was the last of them to be asked to join, and that the person they had in mind originally is a wonderful writer who apparently had better judgement than I’ve shown. I took over the character she had outlined and altered her personality and storyline to explore my own fascination with ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/145 “I AM NOT JENN!” -Steve Evans I guess I have some explaining to do. There are a lot of questions and a lot of emotions out there, and I want to address as many of them as I can think of in as respectful a way as I can. In keeping with my native cheery temperament, I’ve assembled this Frequently Asked Questions list, which may help as a starting point. If you have any more questions for me, please comment or email me. These questions and answers are only regarding me and my experiences with Jenn; my co-bloggers have thoughts of their own, to follow in the days to come. 1. So, you’re Jenn? Yeah, well, she doesn’t exist. But I wrote her. 2. Why on earth would you do such a thing? I like to write, and I like to tell stories and explore ideas. Jenn was a way for me to look at commonplace situations in a new way, to provoke reaction and to stimulate new thoughts. It was a creative writing experiment for me, and a chance to use a different voice. 3. Isn’t that lying? Yes. The writing itself I don’t view as a lie, any more than any other piece of fiction. But to keep reactions to her as real as possible, and to keep her world as uniform as I could, I fed people along. Some people I even lied to. I regret that. 4. Don’t you feel ashamed of yourself? There are some things I feel very bad about: lying to people, certainly. I feel bad that some people, even people who know me, feel like they can’t trust me anymore. And I feel bad that I wasn’t able to complete my work. Ashamed? No. I feel very proud of the writing I’ve done, very proud of the people I’ve blogged with, and very happy for those of you that have enjoyed reading. 5. What was next for Jenn? Jenn was in for a wild ride. Brian, her boyfriend, was going to cross the line ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/144 A few months ago the Banner folks asked me to write a guest post. I was flattered and agreed to do so (nobody’s ever asked me before!), and then promptly got busy with other stuff. But here I finally am. Yep, that’s me and my children, yesterday. After Stake Conference we went on a hike at a nearby nature preserve, racing the season’s first winter front to the bottom of the gully where we stopped for this photo and an impromptu bathroom break. I was going to call this post “The Lacanian Rhetoric of the Family Photo,” but decided that would make me seem like an irritating theory show-off. It’s hard to hide your true nature for long, though, especially around here, so I’m not going to try anymore. If one is going to show off on the subject of family photos, the obvious place to start is by pointing out that, although I really was there with my kids, we really did crouch and smile among the leaves, the photo nevertheless constructs the family in a particular—and particularly artificial—way. The direct, full-face pose, the centered composition and sharp focus, the clustered faces with their unison smiles—they all tell us that the family is an inevitable and transparent social construct, at the center of human institutions and experience, transcendently free of context and history. When the camera goes back in the bag, of course, I walk out of the frame, the kids start arguing, and the family takes its place in history as a pliable, painful, particular social arrangement. Don’t be too impressed with the foregoing, because it’s not a profound point, and it might not even be correct. It’s more interesting, I think, to consider the ways in which the photograph constructs not the family but the viewer. All photography insinuates the viewer into the scene as the absent presence whose gaze calls the scene into existence. But family portraiture in particular, with its open pose and smiling face and earnestness, positively invites the viewer in: go ahead, cross the bridge, walk through the middle distance and up the path out of ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/143 Remember the Nauvoo Expositer. Well now there’s the Nine Moons Expositer. Yes the picture I have used is not real. Is that so surprising. I didnt use my real picture for the same reason I didnt use my real name. We all know there are times when protecting oneself from ones enemies is the right and necessary path. Remember Joseph and others had to use false names in old versions of the Doctrine and Covenants. He often had to hide from his enemies. And keep his doings secret from those who did not understand the ways of the Lord, those that sought to lay snares to destroy him. And withold revelations for a season from unbelievers. Like the Book of Moses. And the revelation on the new and everlasting covenent. And they who do charge thee with transgression, their hope shall be blasted, and their prospects shall melt away as the hoar frost melteth before the burning rays of the rising sun; and also that God hath set his hand and seal to change the times and seasons, and to blind their minds, that they may not understand his marvelous workings; that he may prove them also and take them in their own craftiness; also because their hearts are corrupted, and the things which they are willing to bring upon others, and love to have others suffer, may come upon themselves to the very uttermost; that they may be disappointed also, and their hopes may be cut off; and not many years hence, that they and their posterity shall be swept from under heaven, saith God, that not one of them is left to piss against the wall. Cursed are all those that shall lift up the heel against mine anointed, saith the Lord, and cry they have sinned when they have not sinned before me, saith the Lord, but have done that which was meet in mine eyes, and which I commanded them. But those who cry transgression do it because they are the servants of sin, and are the children of disobedience themselves. And those who swear falsely against ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/142 I spoke to my daughter on the phone yesterday. It was the first time in a long, long time. I had this fear that she might not remember me or might not want to talk or something, or had heard bad things about me from her mother or grandma, but it wasn’t like that at all. Maybe my ex had coached her a little beforehand to make it easier on all of us. Anne’s pretty cool. I still like her and sometimes I let myself think that she might break away from mommy’s clutches and the three of us could be back together and it would be good again, but I shut those thoughts down. I know Anne thinks I’m a freak—a freak and a disappointment. For example, when I called Anne put me on speaker phone. I hate speaker phones and after hello the first words out of my mouth was, “Why am I on speaker phone?” Anne said so we could all hear each other. I said, “What? Don’t you trust me enough to talk to my own daughter? Is anyone else there?” It wasn’t the right thing to say. I get too defensive sometimes. Anne was like, “No one else is here, geez,” and I knew I’d been a freak again. I never mean to be a freak, but I could see her mother standing in the corner of the room listening to the conversation to pass judgment on me. That’s the kind of thing she does. For all I know she was there in the corner listening anyway, it wouldn’t surprise me. Anne said she was going to go get Katie and I was so glad I hadn’t flipped when she was listening, but the sweating began and I began to wonder if I might faint and be discovered unconscious in the bottom of the phone booth by some crap-kicking cowboy. I put my hanky between my hand and the receiver so it wouldn’t get slippery. Thanks again to the person who recommended hankies ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/141 For those of you who are convinced we aren’t real people, or have your doubts, we invite you to comment away with the others here. Please, please, please go there to tell us we don’t exist, because we are sick and tired of hearing about it. I want to end all the controversy and speculation once and for all. So I’m going to do something I should have done long ago. I’m going to share a picture of myself, photographic proof I exist. Me. Septimus. A living, breathing, human being. You might have to squint, Rusty, but trust me, I’m right there in the background. Look, Rusty and his “Warren Commission” want me to write a rebuttal, but to what? In my e-mail to Rusty, I said, “if you do a post, please make it exhaustive, with all the evidence you can muster,” because I wanted to lay the issue to rest and I hope his post accomplishes this. We here at the Banner want to move on. There will be no rebuttals. I only ask that you ask yourselves one question, if that’s all six highly intelligent men can come up with after months of investigation, what is more likely, their theories or the truth? For a long time I was at a loss as to what has caused all this insanity among our commenters, but a recent post by a blogger I really respect put it all in perspective for me. Clifton’s Six should check out the last sentence in comment thirteen and they’ll learn the truth is out there. Sometimes if you just try and do something even a little different people can’t stand it. Sincerely, Sep P.S. If anything good came of your little investigation, Rusty, it was this: the funniest comment I’ve ever read. Hah. Aaron is real, but I’m sure that comment is driving him up the wall. I give him two days to put up an uglier picture of himself. And D., you’re welcome to come flirt with him anytime, sometimes ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/140 I’m a Bible School graduate. It’s the one thing in my life that I’ve done consistently, and believe me, the chicks are always impressed when I whip out the minor prophets without pausing for breath. BAM, Zephaniah, Haggai, Zechariah. It works every time. (Okay, so it works every time in Pennsylvania. I haven’t tried it in So Cal yet.) From age 3 to age 18, my mom sent me to stay with my grandparents for about a month every summer, and besides teaching me to say grace and take smaller bites so I wouldn’t have to chew with my mouth open, they would send me to vacation Bible school where I learned, among other things, that I have Jesus in my heart, in my heart, in my heart, and he’s been right there from the start. The Bible that we read in vacation Bible school and that I got used to was the New International Version. So I was a little surprised when I found out that all the Mormons I knew read the King James bible. It’s not that unusual to use the King James bible, but I’d always been under the impression that the NIV was for teenagers because it was easier and the King James was for adults because it was like reading freaking sanskrit most of the time. But this post isn’t about NIV vs. King James. It’s about how the Book of Mormon needs an NIV translation of its own. Consider the advantages: instead of reading, “I Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father; and having seen many afflictions in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God, therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days, ” you could read, “Hi, I’m Nephi, and since my dad, who’s a righteous dude, taught me what’s up, I can write to you here about how my sucky life actually ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/138 Is there a calling that, if it were extended to you, you would know was not inspired? I hope no one will complain that I’m posting about something personal again. Please bear with me. I promise it has nothing to do with my (still unopened!) package or unfriendly missing neighbor, which seems to have bugged many of you for some reason. And I’m not going to post about the insinuations that we’re not “real,” since Aaron, Miranda and Jenn have all addressed that. Honestly, people. But I keep turning something over in my head, and I can’t reach a satisfying conclusion to a problem that’s been bothering me. Here it is: I have never once questioned a bishop’s judgement before. After all, he’s the one with the authority to receive revelation and inspiration for the ward. Our bishop is a good man, and I truly believe that we have a duty to uphold and support his decisions. I know we are each entitled to our own opinions, and we have stewardship over our own lives, but when it comes to directing our lives as they affect the church, that’s his calling. “For verily thus saith the Lord, it is expedient in me for a bishop to be appointed unto you, or of you, unto the church in this part of the Lord’s vineyard. 3 And verily in this thing ye have done wisely, for it is required of the Lord, at the hand of every steward, to render an account of his stewardship, both in time and in eternity. 4 For he who is faithful and wise in time is accounted worthy to inherit the mansions prepared for him of my Father. 5 Verily I say unto you, the elders of the church in this part of my vineyard shall render an account of their stewardship unto the bishop, who shall be appointed of me in this part of my vineyard.” D&C 72:2-5 I know that the bishop may not always make decisions that will please everyone in the ward, but I’ve ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/137 In a comment Rusty says I do not exist. And many others marvel and wonder simalarly. As Truman Madsen says in the Joseph Smith tapes there are many who dont like God telling them what to do. Messing up their life with instructions. And commandments. And Truth. And so what happens. 22 And behold, others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance. 23 Yea, they are grasped with death, and hell; and death, and hell, and the devil, and all that have been seized therewith must stand before the throne of God, and be judged according to their works, from whence they must go into the place prepared for them, even a lake of fire and brimstone, which is endless torment. Simarlarly Korihor was even told by an angel of light that there was no God. And that Korihor could see an angel of light and then not believe in either God or the devil is amazing. But as Korihor explains in the end it shows how blinded men are when they resist truth. And ignore obvious evidence and believe obvious falsehoods, because they are pleasing to the carnal mind. Yea the devil whispereth in their ears that there is no devil and also no God. And then they imagine they are free. Well they are about as free as an ostrich with his head in the sand. They will find at the judgement bar, how like the ostrich how free they are. When they deny Gods word. Let me remind you how we know what is real. President Hinckley recently pointed out something important. About the Book of Mormon. It is a tangible thing that can be read. And held in your hands. Is this not real. And again as the Lord told Oliver, we have even the Lords own words. by my power you can read them one to another; and save it ... http://bannerofheaven.mormonmentality.org/archives/136