|10 Ways to Spot a Mormon||June 1, 2005|
First a few words about myself. I’m an only child, although my mom’s two Maltese dogs probably qualify as half-brothers. I did pretty normal things growing up—played hours of King’s Quest IV, went to Cotillion, got paid for getting good grades, and spent summers with my grandparents in Pennsylvania—and my parents never worried about me. Until I asked a Mormon girl to prom.
Why is it so bad to ask a Mormon girl to prom, you ask? Well, I’ve determined that in this case, it was my mom’s ignorance. She thought Mormons were a bunch of fundamentalists living on communes in Utah, and she was a little worried that her impressionable son would marry five women or start growing a beard. When I didn’t do either thing and when she actually talked to my date’s parents later on, she became much more rational. The reason I tell you this story isn’t to offend or ridicule (Mormons or mom). It’s just to point out that sometimes us non-initiates make pretty funny mistakes about what we think of you. And sometimes we need help in figuring you out. That’s where I can help. I like to think of myself as the non-Mormon Mormon expert. How do I know so much about Mormons, you ask? Well, besides taking one of you to prom, I currently have four Mormon roommates. They say it’s so they can have someone to buy things for them on Sunday, I like to think of it as a social experiment. So after a long period of impartial observation, I’d like to offer the following easy-to-use guide to identifying and understanding Mormons.
Spotting a Mormon can be an fun and enjoyable activity. Equipped with a few handy tips, even the most hardened agnostic can become a Mormon expert in a matter of hours. This sport can be pursued in teams or by yourself, and the risks don’t exceed getting asked to go to church or play ultimate with some missionaries. If you master this game, it holds great rewards. You can usually score a couple of plates of cookies, and if you play it right, you’ll get invited to one of those parties where no one gets drunk. Please calculate the occurrence of the following characteristics among your friends and neighbors. If you have an incidence of seven or more, chances are likely you’ve found a Mormon.
How to spot a Mormon:
10) If they ask for root beer at your office happy hour.
9) If they have 11 sisters and 19 brothers and 69 cousins.
8) If they think Napoleon Dynamite is a Mormon.
7) If they disappear for six hours on Sunday.
6) If their names are Nephi.
5) If the only places they’ve been are Utah and Argentina.
4) If they say grace over Wendy’s Frostees.
3) If they have to go someplace for church every night of the week.
2) If they regularly use words like “blessing,” “grateful,” and “fetch.”
1) If they get meet, date, and get married in less time than it takes to have a baby out of wedlock.
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